I think I’m having a stroke
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”