WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog