If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon