My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’m listening
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
set yourself free xox
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?