Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
happy valentine’s day to me
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*