Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
You Might Also Like
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
happy mother’s day❤️
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld