I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
#gardening