I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
and now we wait
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
And bowling should be called pinball
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
#damn
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.