I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
🍛
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.