Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I hate when that happens.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies