I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
You Might Also Like
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
this came to me in a vision
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”