*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.