You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.