*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
You Might Also Like
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency