not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…