My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
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I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.