Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station