[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
There’s always that one guy
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*