I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.