One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
this is the news I live for
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”