*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
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Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
classic mixup
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”