Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.