It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
You Might Also Like
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Somebody call the cops.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Sing it!
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.