“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
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If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My blood type is coffee.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work