Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
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😅😅😅
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Need this in my life lol
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.