‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that