I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.