I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
found my next D&D character name
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.