ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.