When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?