*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.