*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
You Might Also Like
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”