I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
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Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow