Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
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Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Canadian owl: Eh?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.