This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
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me when the borders lift
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
And that about sums it up.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?