Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
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Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
saw this in a dream
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.