People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
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Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!