[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
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Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
How actors in movies eat their food
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.