With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
🖤✌🏽
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you