Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.