“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.