Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
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GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.