“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My last name is Zilla.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!