“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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it be like that
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.