Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.