grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.