My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.