Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Maths meets science
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
What the dentist sees
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream