receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
shit, they caught us—run!!!
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me