never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”